|"Tina! Bring me the axe! "|
I really need to keep reminding myself of The Little Flower's words today.
I am in the throes of another headache. I notice now they're coming every time I have to make my Communion calls to the sick and shut-ins of our parish. This one is more tolerable than others have been, but it's still hard to think of all I have to do. We're having a reception after Mass tomorrow and I have to make sandwiches. I'll make them in the morning, but I need to get to the store today to get the cold cuts, etc. Since my husband's birthday pretty much went unnoticed on Monday due to the funeral, I promised to make it up to him tonight with his favorite dinner of soft-shelled crabs and tomato salad followed by yellow cake with chocolate icing. If I don't get going soon, I never will.
Work is increasingly difficult. I realized the other day that I spend more time doing things I really can't stand doing than I spend doing things that I enjoy. Every time there is a problem, people call me instead of learning from me how to resolve matters on their own. It gets wearisome. Somehow, things get done, problems get resolved, and I realize I had little or nothing to do with it. Every morning, I beg Jesus to help me, and He does. Because He needs no accolades, He goes about His work so quietly that I often forget He's there.
"How sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful child"
It's a humbling thing to realize that though I think I have set out to bring Him joy, I have caused Him more pain instead by my ingratitude and forgetfulness. When someone continually takes me for granted, I think to myself: I'll show them how it feels. I won't return their call or help them the next time they're in need so they'll get the idea. Lucky for me, God doesn't think that way. Mother Angelica said it's a kind of sin to underestimate God's mercy. I say it's a sin for me to assume God is as small-minded as I am.
There is something else hanging over my head right now. My husband went for some routine lab work and the doctor called to say she'd like to discuss the results in person and that further testing is needed. I kind of have an idea what she's thinking based on the tests she ordered. This has been a bit of weight as well. I often joke that my marriage is my martyrdom and I'm only half-joking. My husband has his faults like anyone else and I often find myself lacking in the patience to deal with him. I will wait and see what this is all about before I get myself worked up about it. I keep hearing that line from Joni Mitchell's "Yellow Taxi"
"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone".
I hope he will be around awhile longer to drive me even more insane than he does now, not for my sake but the sake of my kids, especially the two younger ones who already have so much to deal with from their health issues. I stated thinking the other day that if this all turns out to be nothing, it could be wake-up call from God that he wants me to embrace my vocation as a wife more than I do and to live in the here and now.
We'll soon see.