The Unprofitable Servant: Wrestling With God

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Wrestling With God

I am once again waiting for an answer about something. Had I realized that the folks who are making the decision are known to procrastinate and prognosticate to the point where it becomes painful, I would have prepared myself, but I was kind of lead to believe that things were happening quickly. Now it's all come to a screeching halt. A verbal yes has yet to give way to a written agreement, without which I cannot safely proceed accordingly. In this economy, I'm not taking anything for granted.

I actually got a little ticked off at God this week as a result. It's not something I'm proud of and it's the kind of regression that makes me question how I can have the audacity to say: "Jesus, I trust in You."

When I say: "Your Will be done," what I really meant in this instance is: "Your Will be done, so long as it's what I will."

I was having a conversation with the Lord about this sinfulness of mine and I thought how this is the one way in which I struggle with accepting Christ was fully human, because He is all-knowing and therefore, never had to wait for an answer. One of the worst struggles I have in life is accepting that not every prayer will be answered my way (at least not those I ask on behalf of myself personally) and that God does not operate by the same clock that I do.

When you think of the worst trials in your life, is it not true that often, it was "the not knowing" that tried you the most? If I'm going to get bad news, I prefer to hear it right away. It is a real trial to have the process long and drawn out. And perhaps this is where the lesson is that God is repeatedly trying to teach His slow-witted servant. It is exclusively His domain to be all-knowing. When I insist on being answered according to my own schedule, the result is turmoil and struggle.

When will I ever learn I cannot wrestle with God and win? And when will I ever learn that the sooner I accept this, the more at peace I will be?

5 comments:

Kathy Felsted UsherJuly 10, 2011 at 7:53 AM
Me too, waiting is the worst. I hope this turns out well for you.
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CarolineJuly 10, 2011 at 9:27 AM
'When will I ever learn I cannot wrestle with God and win?'
For me ..probably when my humanity is laid to rest and I see Him face to face.
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PatriciaJuly 10, 2011 at 9:04 PM
It is always the unknowing which is hardest for me. If you know, then at least you can try to find a way to deal with it. But just waiting -- how hard that is! I think especially of my waiting and praying and praying and waiting for my son to return to the Sacraments. It's been about 15 years since he left the Church and even his belief in God behind.

I've wrestled a bit with Our Lady, since I brought him to her statue of Our Lady of Grace immediately after his Baptism, and consecrated him to her protection. I thought he would become a Saint ; ) - or at least a pretty faithful Catholic. Instead, it's been a wild ride!!!!!!! Exclamations intended!
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TLWJuly 11, 2011 at 7:03 PM
Patricia, if it's any consolation, think of how long St. Monica had to wait for Augustine to convert. I think my mother must have prayed for me in the same way but she never let on that she was impatient about it. And then I look at my daughter, who fades in an out, mostly out, on the Church, and I think it seems like an eternity. But another consolation may be this: in my own case, I believe God allowed me to take the path I did because I have more in common with sinners than I do with saints and I enjoy a certain credibility with them that I might be lacking, at least to them, if I had stayed on the straight and narrow path without diversion my entire life. I will keep your son in my prayers.
Joyce
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PatriciaJuly 12, 2011 at 8:58 PM
Joyce, thank you so much for your prayers. No better gift..

I do understand what you mean about your particular journey, and the credibility you maintain with certain people because of it. My son throws his whole heart into whatever he believes, and I often think that when Our Lady brings him around, he should be a mighty force for God and the Church.

It's just so painful to watch him live his life without God for now, and to only be able to love and be there for him, and of course PRAY.

Interestingly, he will ask me to pray sometimes -- like when his friend Jeff was dying. I think he might believe more than I realize, at least I hope so.

At any rate, thank you for your wise words, and especially your prayers.
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Mary, Queen of Peace

Ever glorious and blessed Mary, Queen of Virgins, Mother of Mercy, hope and comfort of dejected and desolate souls, through that sword of sorrow which pierced thy tender heart whilst thine only Son, Christ Jesus, our Lord, suffered death and ignominy on the cross; through that filial tenderness and pure love He had for thee, grieving in thy grief, whilst from His cross He recommended thee to the care and protection of His beloved disciple, St. John, take pity, I beseech thee, on my poverty and necessities; have compassion on my anxieties and cares; assist and comfort me in all my infirmities and miseries, of every kind whatsoever. Thou art the Mother of Mercies, the sweet comforter and only refuge of the needy and the orphan, of the desolate and afflicted. Cast, therefore, an eye of pity on a miserable, forlorn child of Eve, and hear my prayer; for since, in just punishment of my sins, I find myself encompassed by a multitude of evils, and oppressed with much anguish of spirit, wither can I fly for more secure shelter, O amiable Mother of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, than under the wings of thy maternal protection? Attend, therefore, I beseech thee, with an ear of pity and compassion, to my humble and earnest request. I ask it, through the bowels of mercy of thy dear Son; Through that love and condescension wherewith He embraced our nature, when, in compliance with the divine Will, thou gavest thy consent, and whom, after the expiration of nine months thou didst bring forth from the chaste enclosure of thy womb, to visit the world, and bless it with His presence. I ask it, through that anguish of mind wherewith thy beloved Son, our dear Saviour, was overwhelmed on the Mount of Olives, when He besought His eternal Father to remove from Him, if possible, the bitter chalice of His future passion. I ask it, through the threefold repetition of His prayers in the garden, whence afterwards, with dolorous steps and mournful tears, thou didst accompany Him to the doleful theatre of His death and sufferings. I ask it, through the welts and bruises of His virginal flesh, occasioned by the cords and whips wherewith He was bound and scourged, when stripped of His seamless garment, for which His executioners afterwards cast lots. I ask it, through the scoffs and ignominies by which He was insulted; the false accusations and unjust sentence by which He was condemned to death, and which He bore with heavenly patience. I ask it, through His bitter tears and bloody sweat; His silence and resignation; His sadness and grief of heart. I ask it, through the blood which trickled from His royal and Sacred Head, when struck with the sceptre of a reed and pierced with His crown of thorns. I ask it, through the excruciating torments He suffered, when His hands and feet were fastened with gross nails to the tree of the cross. I ask it, through His vehement thirst, and bitter potion of vinegar and gall. I ask it, through His dereliction on the cross when He exclaimed, "My God! my God! why hast Thou forsaken me?" I ask it, through His mercy extended to the good thief, and through His recommending His precious soul and spirit into the hands of His eternal Father before He expired, saying, "It is consummated." I ask it, through the blood mixed with water, which issued from His Sacred Side when pierced with a lance, and whence a flood of grace and mercy has flowed to us. I ask it, through His immaculate life, bitter passion and ignominious death on the cross, at which nature itself was thrown into convulsions, by the bursting of rocks, rending of the veil of the Temple, the earthquake, and the darkness of the sun and moon. I ask it, through His descent into hell, where He confronted the Saints of the old law with His presence, and led the captivity captive. I ask it, through His glorious victory over death, when He arose again to life on the third day, and through the joy which His appearance for forty days after gave thee, His blessed Mother, His Apostles, and the rest of His Disciples; when in thine and their presence He miraculously ascended into heaven. I ask it, through the grace of the Holy Spirit, infused into the hearts of His Disciples, when He descended upon them in the form of fiery tongues, and by which they were inspired with zeal in the conversion of the world, when they went to preach the gospel. I ask it, through the awful appearance of thy Son, at the last dreadful day, when He shall come to judge the living and the dead, and the world, by fire. I ask it, through the compassion He bore thee in His life, and the unspeakable joy thou didst feel at thine assumption into heaven, where thou art eternally absorbed in the sweet contemplation of His divine perfections. O glorious and ever blessed Virgin! comfort the heart of thy supplicant, by obtaining for me, (Mention your prayer intention here...) And as I am persuaded my Divine Saviour doth honour thee as His beloved Mother, to whom He refuses nothing, because thou asketh nothing contrary to His honour, so let me speedily experience the efficacy of thy powerful intercession, according to the tenderness of thy maternal affection, and His filial loving heart, who mercifully granteth the requests and complieth with the desires of those that love and fear Him. Wherefore, O most blessed Virgin, beside the object of my present petition, and whatever else I may stand in need of, obtain for me also of thy dear Son, our Lord and our God, a lively faith, firm hope, perfect charity, true contrition of heart, unfeigned tears of compunction, sincere confession, condign satisfaction, abstinence from sin, love of God and my neighbour, contempt of the world, patience to suffer affronts and ignominies, nay, even, if necessary, an opprobrious death itself, for love of thy Son, our Saviour Jesus Christ. Obtain likewise for me, O sacred Mother of God, perseverance in good works, performance of good resolutions, mortification of self-will, a pious conversation through life, and, at my last moments, strong and sincere repentance, accompanied by such a lively and attentive presence of mind, as may enable me to receive the last Sacrament of the Church worthily, and die in thy friendship and favour. Lastly, obtain through thy Son, I beseech thee, for the souls of my parents, brethren, relatives and benefactors, both living and dead, life everlasting, from the only Giver of every good and perfect gift, the Lord God Almighty, to Whom be all power now and forever. Amen.

Prayer of St. Bonaventure

Pierce, O most sweet Lord Jesus, my inmost soul with the most joyous and healthful wound of Thy love, and with true, calm and most holy apostolic charity, that my soul may ever languish and melt with entire love and longing for Thee, may yearn for Thee and for thy courts, may long to be dissolved and to be with Thee.
Grant that my soul may hunger after Thee, the Bread of Angels, the refreshment of holy souls, our daily and super substantial bread, having all sweetness and savor and every delightful taste.
May my heart ever hunger after and feed upon Thee, Whom the angels desire to look upon, and may my inmost soul be filled with the sweetness of Thy savor; may it ever thirst for Thee, the fountain of life, the fountain of wisdom and knowledge, the fountain of eternal light, the torrent of pleasure, the fullness of the house of God;
may it ever compass Thee, seek Thee, find Thee, run to Thee, come up to Thee, meditate on Thee, speak of Thee, and do all for the praise and glory of Thy name, with humility and discretion, with love and delight, with ease and affection, with perseverance to the end; and be Thou alone ever my hope, my entire confidence, my riches, my delight, my pleasure, my joy, my rest and tranquility, my peace, my sweetness, my food, my refreshment, my refuge, my help, my wisdom, my portion, my possession, my treasure; in Whom may my mind and my heart be ever fixed and firm and rooted immovably. Amen.

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The Unprofitable Servant

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Wrestling With God

5 comments:

Mary, Queen of Peace

St Michael the Archangel

St. Mary Magdalene de Pazzi

St. Teresa Benedicta of The Cross