Sunday, July 10, 2011

Wrestling With God

I am once again waiting for an answer about something.  Had I realized that the folks who are making the decision are known to procrastinate and prognosticate to the point where it becomes painful, I would have prepared myself, but I was kind of lead to believe that things were happening quickly.  Now it's all come to a screeching halt.  A verbal yes has yet to give way to a written agreement, without which I cannot safely proceed accordingly.  In this economy, I'm not taking anything for granted.

I actually got a little ticked off at God this week as a result.  It's not something I'm proud of and it's the kind of regression that makes me question how I can have the audacity to say: "Jesus, I trust in You."

When I say: "Your Will be done," what I really meant in this instance is: "Your Will be done, so long as it's what I will."

I was having a conversation with the Lord about this sinfulness of mine and I thought how this is the one way in which I struggle with accepting  Christ was fully human, because He is all-knowing and therefore, never had to wait for an answer.  One of the worst struggles I have in life is accepting that not every prayer will be answered my way (at least not those I ask on behalf of myself personally) and that God does not operate by the same clock that I do.

When you think of the worst trials in your life, is it not true that often, it was "the not knowing" that tried you the most?  If I'm going to get bad news, I prefer to hear it right away.  It is a real trial to have the process long and drawn out.  And perhaps this is where the lesson is that God is repeatedly trying to teach His slow-witted servant.  It is exclusively His domain to be all-knowing.  When I insist on being answered according to my own schedule, the result is turmoil and struggle.

When will I ever learn I cannot wrestle with God and win?  And when will I ever learn that the sooner I accept this, the more at peace I will be?


  1. Me too, waiting is the worst. I hope this turns out well for you.

  2. 'When will I ever learn I cannot wrestle with God and win?'
    For me ..probably when my humanity is laid to rest and I see Him face to face.

  3. It is always the unknowing which is hardest for me. If you know, then at least you can try to find a way to deal with it. But just waiting -- how hard that is! I think especially of my waiting and praying and praying and waiting for my son to return to the Sacraments. It's been about 15 years since he left the Church and even his belief in God behind.

    I've wrestled a bit with Our Lady, since I brought him to her statue of Our Lady of Grace immediately after his Baptism, and consecrated him to her protection. I thought he would become a Saint ; ) - or at least a pretty faithful Catholic. Instead, it's been a wild ride!!!!!!! Exclamations intended!

  4. Patricia, if it's any consolation, think of how long St. Monica had to wait for Augustine to convert. I think my mother must have prayed for me in the same way but she never let on that she was impatient about it. And then I look at my daughter, who fades in an out, mostly out, on the Church, and I think it seems like an eternity. But another consolation may be this: in my own case, I believe God allowed me to take the path I did because I have more in common with sinners than I do with saints and I enjoy a certain credibility with them that I might be lacking, at least to them, if I had stayed on the straight and narrow path without diversion my entire life. I will keep your son in my prayers.

  5. Joyce, thank you so much for your prayers. No better gift..

    I do understand what you mean about your particular journey, and the credibility you maintain with certain people because of it. My son throws his whole heart into whatever he believes, and I often think that when Our Lady brings him around, he should be a mighty force for God and the Church.

    It's just so painful to watch him live his life without God for now, and to only be able to love and be there for him, and of course PRAY.

    Interestingly, he will ask me to pray sometimes -- like when his friend Jeff was dying. I think he might believe more than I realize, at least I hope so.

    At any rate, thank you for your wise words, and especially your prayers.


Comments which reflect true Christian charity are always welcome. Comments which attack the Pope, the Church, priests or other bloggers will go in the dustbin, especially if they are anonymous. Thank you and God Bless you!