Sunday, July 10, 2011
Wrestling With God
I am once again waiting for an answer about something. Had I realized that the folks who are making the decision are known to procrastinate and prognosticate to the point where it becomes painful, I would have prepared myself, but I was kind of lead to believe that things were happening quickly. Now it's all come to a screeching halt. A verbal yes has yet to give way to a written agreement, without which I cannot safely proceed accordingly. In this economy, I'm not taking anything for granted.
I actually got a little ticked off at God this week as a result. It's not something I'm proud of and it's the kind of regression that makes me question how I can have the audacity to say: "Jesus, I trust in You."
When I say: "Your Will be done," what I really meant in this instance is: "Your Will be done, so long as it's what I will."
I was having a conversation with the Lord about this sinfulness of mine and I thought how this is the one way in which I struggle with accepting Christ was fully human, because He is all-knowing and therefore, never had to wait for an answer. One of the worst struggles I have in life is accepting that not every prayer will be answered my way (at least not those I ask on behalf of myself personally) and that God does not operate by the same clock that I do.
When you think of the worst trials in your life, is it not true that often, it was "the not knowing" that tried you the most? If I'm going to get bad news, I prefer to hear it right away. It is a real trial to have the process long and drawn out. And perhaps this is where the lesson is that God is repeatedly trying to teach His slow-witted servant. It is exclusively His domain to be all-knowing. When I insist on being answered according to my own schedule, the result is turmoil and struggle.
When will I ever learn I cannot wrestle with God and win? And when will I ever learn that the sooner I accept this, the more at peace I will be?