Please keep me in your prayers. I'm going on an official interview tomorrow at the Catholic hospital I mentioned last week. It is eval time at my present job and I can count on one hand the people who haven't begged me not to leave. I got my own eval today and it was a glowing one, which only increases the guilt. I decided before I went to the eval that if my boss gave me an opening, I would be honest and tell her I'm considering a move. She never gave me the opening so I was careful not to say anything that could be interpreted as a ringing endorsement of my position. Tomorrow's is a quiet schedule and it's the best day to meet everyone I need to meet at the prospective hospital, so it wasn't a problem to take off. I was a coward and informed her in an email, giving no reason except to say I'd switch tomorrow with a scheduled day off next week. I can't lie, so if pressed, I would have responded by saying "I was able to schedule an appointment I need to go on sooner rather than later."
There's a line in the movie "The Horse Whisperer" that I've always thought described me pretty well.
"Tom's not too good with goodbyes. Come to think of it, he's not too good with hello's either"
If I decide this job is right for me, and I think I pretty much have already, I will have to personally say goodbye to all the doctors who interviewed me and gave me the seal of approval. It won't be easy, but not as hard as having to tell some of the staff, who haven't had a voice to speak for them in quite awhile.
I was talking this over with my husband and he got a big kick out of me telling him that I feel like the Bobby Petino of nurse managers. Oy vay!
It really bothered me that I got such a good eval. I thought of some of the people I am responsible for who will not be getting such good evals, because I can't take the easy way out and sweep bad behavior and poor practice under the rug. I keep thinking I have some kind of unfair advantage over them, especially the one who has especially made life miserable for me. I need to learn to distinguish the difference between being the recipient of preferential treatment and being blessed by God. You'd think by now I'd have figured it out, but I'm still a work in progress.
Last night the oldest called me in hysterics. A friend of hers died from a drug overdose. He was the same age she is and had been the steady boyfriend of one of her friends since high school. They weren't as close as she'd like to have me believe and I suspect the real reason she's so shaken is because it's the first time she's having to deal with the death of some one so close in age. Please say a prayer for the boy and his family. I say a prayer of thanks for having a child who so far, has not succumbed to the poison of drugs or alcohol and I pray she stays that way. I thought I had a lot to deal with growing up but these kids have it worse.
Last night I went to bed filled with dread and guilt. I keep thinking of all the people who have spurned the Love of His Sacred Heart, and I can see no reason why I should be so fortunate or blessed to have converted. I don't think the Lord wants us to be filled with the kind of fear that saddens us or fills us with anxiety. I only hope I have earned every day since my conversion the precious gift He gave me when my faith was awakened and my eyes were opened.