The Unprofitable Servant: When Past Sins Come to Haunt Us

Thursday, February 10, 2011

When Past Sins Come to Haunt Us

This week at work, I had to endure a torture known as nursing orientation.   Having been an OR nurse and/or manager for the past 12 years, the times when I had to calculate a drip or start a heparin infusion on someone have been non-existent. To make matters worse, I forgot my calculator, so I had to do all the math in my head or on scratch paper. Talk about purgatory! Anyway, all the discussion about critical lab values and insulin pumps brought back memories of working in a respiratory intensive care unit.

Every so often, I will recall a patient, and then I look back and wonder if everything I did for that patient was in compliance with God's will. Most if not all of our patients were ventilator dependent. Many of them did not survive whatever catastrophic illness put them in the unit in the first place.   Today, I recalled a woman who had metastatic lung cancer. Although she was intubated, she was very "with it" and she made known her wish that since she could not be weaned from the vent, she wanted to die. I always thought it was a lucky thing for me that I worked night shift because I was never faced with having to withdraw treatment on a patient. Those things only took place during the day.

Anyway, I was assigned to care for this woman on the evening before the day she decided would be her last. I was intimidated by this. How do you care for someone who knows they're going to die? What do you say to them?   Many of our patients were heavily sedated, but this woman was not. When I went in to take her vital signs, I asked how her she was and she nodded and shrugged her shoulders as if to say "How could I be in this situation?" I decided that if she was going to meet her Maker the next day, she was going to be well-groomed. I gave her a bath, combed her hair, and tucked her in. She was on a morphine drip, but not enough to zonk her, and she looked as comfortable as someone who is intubated could. It struck me how much she resembled my grandmother and just then, she reached out and took my hand. And the way she did it was not so that I could comfort her, but so that she could comfort me. I think she knew I was ill at ease and feeling awkward. Shortly after that, she fell asleep, and I didn't speak with her again. I gave report and said that I had not been able to send a blood gas from her A-line, drawing the ridicule of one of the on-coming nurses. "Why would you need to do that? The woman is going to die today."

"What if she changes her mind?" I shot back.

Another time, I had a patient who had never married and lived with his elderly mother. He had metastatic pancreatic cancer, and he was distorted and swollen and very sick from his illness. Shortly before he was so sick he needed the vent to breathe, he asked me if he could have the telephone to call his mother. Because of the condition of our patients, none of the rooms had a phone, but we did have a portable one we could plug in. I plugged the phone in for him, helped him dial the number, and left so he could speak in private. To my horror, he told his poor mother he wanted to die and he wanted her to come immediately to say goodbye. And how I found this out is that the police captain in her town called the hospital and had himself transferred to the nursing station. The woman had asked the police to take her to her son. I told the captain I would call her. She was in hysterics and I felt so awful knowing I had played a part in this by giving her son the phone in the first place.

Here was this poor little old woman, miles away, and her adult son calls her up and tells her he is suffering and wants to die, and she is distraught not only because she will eventually lose her son, but because she was to see him in such agony?

Why do patients like this cross my mind, after so many years? Sometimes, I wonder if it's because they're in a place where they need my prayers. Or, if it's because something I did to provide their care does not sit well with the Lord, and He wants me to repent for it while I can. I am thinking I need to go to confession and talk to a priest about this.

6 comments:

MannyFebruary 10, 2011 at 9:01 PM
I don't think any of the things you described are sins. To the best of your knowledge you were trying to help each one. Actually everything you did was an act of compassion. You must be an excellent nurse Joyce.

You brought back memories of my father's last couple of years. Perhaps one day I'll post a full blog on it, but let me just summarily say that he had a severe heart attack from which he survived, was intubated and with therapy got off intubation for about six months, then his heart slowly reduced in strength so that he needed to be intubated for part of a day. He tried so hard to ween himself off the machine, but couldn't do it. He passed on about a year and a half after that second intubation. So I know full well the life in a nursing home. There were time he preferred to have it over with, but he always fought on. My father had an incredible fighting spirit.

Let me also say that it was his slow end of life struggle that really brought me back to God and the church. There is meaning in all our suffering. I truly believe that.
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KellyFebruary 11, 2011 at 6:30 AM
I don't see where you are seeing sin in those situations. Of course though, do talk to a priest of you feel the need. It sounds to me like you did what you had to do in your job PLUS extra compassion.
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doughboyFebruary 11, 2011 at 4:56 PM
not much really touches me, but this post sincerely did. almost to tears. how heart-wrenching for you. and i didn't get from your post anything that you may have done that was wrong. just the contrary. and i think God placed you with those people because they needed you. not just for your nursing skill, but for YOU, a woman of God. ministry of presence. what a gift to them you were there.
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TLWFebruary 11, 2011 at 6:41 PM
I don't so much worry about what I did or didn't do for these particular patients so much as for some others. Nothing blatant comes to mind, but what if? That's why I think it would be helpful to talk to a priest, just in case. In the case of the woman, I can only thank God I had nothing to do with the withdrawal of care.
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Mary ChristineFebruary 11, 2011 at 9:10 PM
If only every health care provider were as conscientious as you! Please dear Jesus, when I become ill and frail, may I be blessed to have a nurse just like you!
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Mary ChristineFebruary 11, 2011 at 9:11 PM
And I spent a portion of this past week talking about critical lab values!
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Mary, Queen of Peace

Ever glorious and blessed Mary, Queen of Virgins, Mother of Mercy, hope and comfort of dejected and desolate souls, through that sword of sorrow which pierced thy tender heart whilst thine only Son, Christ Jesus, our Lord, suffered death and ignominy on the cross; through that filial tenderness and pure love He had for thee, grieving in thy grief, whilst from His cross He recommended thee to the care and protection of His beloved disciple, St. John, take pity, I beseech thee, on my poverty and necessities; have compassion on my anxieties and cares; assist and comfort me in all my infirmities and miseries, of every kind whatsoever. Thou art the Mother of Mercies, the sweet comforter and only refuge of the needy and the orphan, of the desolate and afflicted. Cast, therefore, an eye of pity on a miserable, forlorn child of Eve, and hear my prayer; for since, in just punishment of my sins, I find myself encompassed by a multitude of evils, and oppressed with much anguish of spirit, wither can I fly for more secure shelter, O amiable Mother of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, than under the wings of thy maternal protection? Attend, therefore, I beseech thee, with an ear of pity and compassion, to my humble and earnest request. I ask it, through the bowels of mercy of thy dear Son; Through that love and condescension wherewith He embraced our nature, when, in compliance with the divine Will, thou gavest thy consent, and whom, after the expiration of nine months thou didst bring forth from the chaste enclosure of thy womb, to visit the world, and bless it with His presence. I ask it, through that anguish of mind wherewith thy beloved Son, our dear Saviour, was overwhelmed on the Mount of Olives, when He besought His eternal Father to remove from Him, if possible, the bitter chalice of His future passion. I ask it, through the threefold repetition of His prayers in the garden, whence afterwards, with dolorous steps and mournful tears, thou didst accompany Him to the doleful theatre of His death and sufferings. I ask it, through the welts and bruises of His virginal flesh, occasioned by the cords and whips wherewith He was bound and scourged, when stripped of His seamless garment, for which His executioners afterwards cast lots. I ask it, through the scoffs and ignominies by which He was insulted; the false accusations and unjust sentence by which He was condemned to death, and which He bore with heavenly patience. I ask it, through His bitter tears and bloody sweat; His silence and resignation; His sadness and grief of heart. I ask it, through the blood which trickled from His royal and Sacred Head, when struck with the sceptre of a reed and pierced with His crown of thorns. I ask it, through the excruciating torments He suffered, when His hands and feet were fastened with gross nails to the tree of the cross. I ask it, through His vehement thirst, and bitter potion of vinegar and gall. I ask it, through His dereliction on the cross when He exclaimed, "My God! my God! why hast Thou forsaken me?" I ask it, through His mercy extended to the good thief, and through His recommending His precious soul and spirit into the hands of His eternal Father before He expired, saying, "It is consummated." I ask it, through the blood mixed with water, which issued from His Sacred Side when pierced with a lance, and whence a flood of grace and mercy has flowed to us. I ask it, through His immaculate life, bitter passion and ignominious death on the cross, at which nature itself was thrown into convulsions, by the bursting of rocks, rending of the veil of the Temple, the earthquake, and the darkness of the sun and moon. I ask it, through His descent into hell, where He confronted the Saints of the old law with His presence, and led the captivity captive. I ask it, through His glorious victory over death, when He arose again to life on the third day, and through the joy which His appearance for forty days after gave thee, His blessed Mother, His Apostles, and the rest of His Disciples; when in thine and their presence He miraculously ascended into heaven. I ask it, through the grace of the Holy Spirit, infused into the hearts of His Disciples, when He descended upon them in the form of fiery tongues, and by which they were inspired with zeal in the conversion of the world, when they went to preach the gospel. I ask it, through the awful appearance of thy Son, at the last dreadful day, when He shall come to judge the living and the dead, and the world, by fire. I ask it, through the compassion He bore thee in His life, and the unspeakable joy thou didst feel at thine assumption into heaven, where thou art eternally absorbed in the sweet contemplation of His divine perfections. O glorious and ever blessed Virgin! comfort the heart of thy supplicant, by obtaining for me, (Mention your prayer intention here...) And as I am persuaded my Divine Saviour doth honour thee as His beloved Mother, to whom He refuses nothing, because thou asketh nothing contrary to His honour, so let me speedily experience the efficacy of thy powerful intercession, according to the tenderness of thy maternal affection, and His filial loving heart, who mercifully granteth the requests and complieth with the desires of those that love and fear Him. Wherefore, O most blessed Virgin, beside the object of my present petition, and whatever else I may stand in need of, obtain for me also of thy dear Son, our Lord and our God, a lively faith, firm hope, perfect charity, true contrition of heart, unfeigned tears of compunction, sincere confession, condign satisfaction, abstinence from sin, love of God and my neighbour, contempt of the world, patience to suffer affronts and ignominies, nay, even, if necessary, an opprobrious death itself, for love of thy Son, our Saviour Jesus Christ. Obtain likewise for me, O sacred Mother of God, perseverance in good works, performance of good resolutions, mortification of self-will, a pious conversation through life, and, at my last moments, strong and sincere repentance, accompanied by such a lively and attentive presence of mind, as may enable me to receive the last Sacrament of the Church worthily, and die in thy friendship and favour. Lastly, obtain through thy Son, I beseech thee, for the souls of my parents, brethren, relatives and benefactors, both living and dead, life everlasting, from the only Giver of every good and perfect gift, the Lord God Almighty, to Whom be all power now and forever. Amen.

Prayer of St. Bonaventure

Pierce, O most sweet Lord Jesus, my inmost soul with the most joyous and healthful wound of Thy love, and with true, calm and most holy apostolic charity, that my soul may ever languish and melt with entire love and longing for Thee, may yearn for Thee and for thy courts, may long to be dissolved and to be with Thee.
Grant that my soul may hunger after Thee, the Bread of Angels, the refreshment of holy souls, our daily and super substantial bread, having all sweetness and savor and every delightful taste.
May my heart ever hunger after and feed upon Thee, Whom the angels desire to look upon, and may my inmost soul be filled with the sweetness of Thy savor; may it ever thirst for Thee, the fountain of life, the fountain of wisdom and knowledge, the fountain of eternal light, the torrent of pleasure, the fullness of the house of God;
may it ever compass Thee, seek Thee, find Thee, run to Thee, come up to Thee, meditate on Thee, speak of Thee, and do all for the praise and glory of Thy name, with humility and discretion, with love and delight, with ease and affection, with perseverance to the end; and be Thou alone ever my hope, my entire confidence, my riches, my delight, my pleasure, my joy, my rest and tranquility, my peace, my sweetness, my food, my refreshment, my refuge, my help, my wisdom, my portion, my possession, my treasure; in Whom may my mind and my heart be ever fixed and firm and rooted immovably. Amen.

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The Unprofitable Servant

Thursday, February 10, 2011

When Past Sins Come to Haunt Us

6 comments:

Mary, Queen of Peace

St Michael the Archangel

St. Mary Magdalene de Pazzi

St. Teresa Benedicta of The Cross